I Chose To No Longer Hide

I close my eyes knowing that I have been here too many times before. Here you know at that place where it seems impossible to move forward because you can’t see the path. You know here; where it seems that just last week you knew exactly what God put you on this earth to do and now suddenly you have no clue and you can’t move.
I would love to say that it is outside forces that place me here, but really it is I who place me here. It comes from not believing what has been whispered in my being. It comes from hearing the call and just not ready to start the journey, or how about starting the journey realizing the significant and thinking it’s all about me. It’s not about me it truly is about God. It’s gotten to the point that I am tired of the excuses. If I buy one more piece of organizing equipment I am going to scream. I tell myself I can not move into my gifting because I am not organized and can not make heads or tails out of what is in front of me. I tell myself I can not move forward because there are too many things on my plate I need to finish everything first. Well that is really cute because in the confusion and procrastination that I cause for myself I find it impossible to move anything into being.
I can allow others dreams to become my reality, I can pile so much on my plate believing or making myself believe that I am superwomen, I can generate all type of excuses which are all nice covers for something very simple called fear. You see fear is forgetting everything and run. Run because the call is bigger than me, run because if I follow thru change is inevitable and my God I can not take anymore changes. Run because in my head I am unworthy for such a thing as this. What God calls for you he equips you for. There is no mystery why he uses the least likely. Those who are the least likely candidate are very clear that is was God. That without the leading nothing would have been accomplished.

There are many biblical accounts of great leaders and my attention has been drawn to one such leader Nehemiah.
Nehemiah upon asking and receiving news about the surviving Jews and the destroying of Jerusalem his heart immediately ached.
What is it that tugs at your heart, what is it that makes you cry silent tears? It is said that our greatest source of pain is in fact our gifting. I immediately recognize women who are afraid of their own power. My heart aches for women who feel trapped in their own minds. My fear of self allows me to see the fear in others. I know that my gifting is for women. In realizing that, I really kind of chuckled because I was one who wanted no parts of women. I did not want to deal with the cattiness and deceptive practices that women employ. I know the tricks because I am. But then I had to realize that what I expected from women was I have done to others. I know longer wanted or needed to hurt my sisters. The more I learned to accept me and truly began the process of loving me I know longer needed to cause others to feel my internal pain. I began to put aside the fear and distrust of self and approached women with an open heart. In doing so I realized that everyone was not called to be in my space. I realized that God would open the hearts of women whom he chooses to occupy my space; my job was simply to open my heart to be approachable and to open my heart to approach. I became willing to effect change and willing to apply the steps. In being willing I became a vessel for God to use to effect change in others.

Deborah 4 Greatness